I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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