Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
