when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
