I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
