dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
