I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
