i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
