Define "chronic" masturbator.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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