my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
