Umm I'm too high to move.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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