sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
