i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
