If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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