Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
