Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
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THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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