dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
