Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
