don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
