matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
