That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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