I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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