it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
