okay pat passed out under dana's car
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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