12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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