his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
