I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
