Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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