can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
