update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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