Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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