Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
