whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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