I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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