How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
