I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My feet surprised me
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
