I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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