I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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