Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
