if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
