Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
