I am puke
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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