your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
