I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
