I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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