im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
