I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize