im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
