If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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