So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
When did we convert life to cartoon?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
