nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
