My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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