My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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