awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
