Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
