i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
