Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
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