No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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