Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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