Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
