So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Did we literally take a cab across the street
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I stole a fireplace last night.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
