i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
