Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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