1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
