Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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