did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
