some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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